This week I thought I’d talk about the demand for something real. I think now i’ve turned 25 I’m allowed to create a mental check list of what I don’t want in my partner in anyway, shape or form.
Reese Witherspoon said,
“sometimes its good to know yourself”
and she told her daughter,
” …at 25 you start to know yourself better.”
This is so true! I feel since travelling for the past few years though, I’ve gained a new perspective on life and being 25 and in my third year of university, it’s sometimes feels scary, as theres a lot of people in my lectures who are younger than me but, then again most are a lot more immature than me and thats okay (they’re young and but i’ve done all the teenage learning), I’m good with being where I’m at.
I think I regret the first time I went to university because I had such an awful experience. I think if I’d taken the time out to know myself better and who I want to be, I would have got here a lot sooner but hey! I don’t know that, so I’m just living with the mantra of all the great things I’ve done and opportunities I’ve given myself so far, and that there will be plenty to come!
When I was a mere tadpole in a rather big bowl of terrible frogs, I think I was just in a relationship because I wanted to know what one felt like and then when I got hurt I was like,
“Oh, wow! So this is how guys treat girls? Maybe its something I’m doing? Should I reply sooner, or leave more than a 15 minute gap to make them want me? Are they treating me this way because I don’t do certain things? Do I have to have sex to satisfy them?”
Its only now turning 25 years old, that I’m looking at my old behaviour in relationships and can identify that that particular behaviour is not right and I shouldn’t settle for it.
My worst experience, was my boyfriend at the time thinking it was perfectly acceptable to grind up against a female friend of his right in front of me.
I remember this clear as day because he was my first boyfriend and I was looking at this with total doe eyes.
I was in the wings ready to go on stage with my fellow cast and he was on the opposite side doing this laughing his head off. This wasn’t a sexy tango style dance, it was too people who found it hilarious to simulate sex in the wings (I was in performing arts in college by the way).
That relationship was so immature I still can’t get my head around it but it didn’t last long.
Press stop on the tape and you reach me now, I’ve been single for 10 months and I feel this year is a real life lesson on being a stronger person.
I was seeing someone a while back, it didn’t last because I felt as a woman I would hate the way he was talking about his ex and it genuinely scared me of who he’d become as a father who calls his son “baggage” and refers to his ex’s stretch marks from having their child, as “disgusting”.
I thought to myself, I want to have children some day and in a relationship you always wonder what your partner will be as a husband, father, old man…and it truly frightened me who he’d become as I’d known the guy since high school. So, I kind of ran away from that one and to be honest I wasn’t ready to let someone in either. I think when you’ve really loved someone, like I loved my ex, I loved EVERYTHING about him, and I gave him all of me and it takes a while to get over someone, especially if they’ve hurt you. I can’t go into that, but I forgive him because I know what he went through with other issues in his life but that can’t justify me staying with him, and if someone’s deliberately hurting you to make themselves feel better, you can’t stand for that because then who are you? You’re this wall that they can throw paint cans at, scream, bitch and lie to, its not fun for anyone.
Being a virgo and growing up with a wonderful mother however strong she is, she’s almost too forgiving and this isn’t a bash at my dad, he’s awesome and they’re the best support system for me and my two brothers but, whenever someone is rude to her, she’ll always forgive them and carry on treating them with kindness.
It used to frustrate me but she told me recently,
Just because someone is horrible to you, you don’t need to be horrible back. It doesn’t make you feel better for saying something nasty back, does it? Just ignore, you’ll feel much better.
I went to Bali for my birthday this year and it felt great being alone and really taking a step back and looking at what life I wanted, and that really has to do with how you perceive life.
Its yours and how you speak, act, walk that has a knock on effect to who you’re growing into and that doesn’t stop. My mum is so right, and I feel so much better for being honest with myself, about what I want and thats the demand for something real.
It hurts to feel, but it felt worse ignoring that I didn’t like the way someone was treating me and just stayed. Thats my greatest fear is admitting to myself that I knew it felt wrong and without everyone in my ear like, “leave its so simple. Why are you with him?”, I know its really me who has stuff to work on in terms of being able to go, “Thats wrong! Get out!”
With a little patience, self confidence and time you will start to know yourself enough to say on occasions where it matters.
This applies right across the board, friendships…relationships. You have the divine right to want better, theres nothing wrong with that.
So, this one’s to you my mystery man, (whenever I get to know you in the future), I’m here.
I know I’m not perfect, I know there will be things you’ll hate me doing like, farting or whatever gross things humans do but, I know what I want, and that’s all of you!
Even you’re weird habits like brushing your teeth in the bath (do guys still do this? Or was it a 90s thing?), whatever they are, I’ll love them!
I know ‘habits’ are separate from how people treat one and other and its the difference between wanting to hurt someone you love and I’ve never been about that and neither will you.
I hope you’re all having a lovely Tuesday.
If you’ve got any life lessons concerning dating decisions please do DM me on Instagram to anythingbutabuttercup